4 Hours of Sleep, 4 Cups of Coffee, 2 Talks about Emotions...

Hi all,

Today was not a good day. But first, yesterday. Doing housework in the morning was fine - I do enjoy the work group, and I tried not to take my disappointment out on them. Since we didn't cook for lunch we did a lot of errands and cleaning. During rest hour I went with Flo to Hudson to do errands with him. He's just easy to be with and I appreciate his friendship.

I appreciated it a little less at 3:30AM this morning though.

However, we had a good trip, got the errands done and were back by 3:30. It was nice of the workmaster to let me go since Tuesday we get our big order in, but we all try to support people when they ask for a little time. It's nice to have that flexibility. At night we had the weekly stitch 'n bitch session, although I tried not to stay as long as usual. Highlights included Flo not having heard of the expression "your ears must have been burning" in reference to being talked about and then showing up. Also, it's rather hard to explain why it makes any sense. Got to love the English language. (Although Flo is American...)

So, back to 3:30. We got to Albany at about 5 - so we had time to go to McDonalds (yerg, but options are limited). I'd decided to bite the bullet and make it a coffee day. Caffeine and Steph are not a pretty combination, but I knew that otherwise it could be a pretty bad day. So...first cup of coffee at 5:15, then 7, 10:30 and 1:30. It's now 9:45 and I'm still jittery.

I was incredibly chipper at breakfast (or twitchy, you choose...) and Sam was a little freaked out. And I was talking even faster than normal. Interesting. We had millet cakes with leeks and roasted walnuts for lunch. Well, the house did, as I got a last-minute invitation out for lunch. It's always flattering since it hasn't happened that often and housemom has been encouraging us to go out and experience other houses.

However, it was pretty much just a very awkward meal (again). I made it only about 5 minutes early as I was scrambling to get the meal done because housemom chose this morning to spring my (belated) 3 month review on me. Obviously, even though she tried to balance the good with the bad, there's always stress involved. After my "1 month review" in Turkey, it now has a higher level of dread than what's probably practical. Of course there's always things to work on, but I hate feeling inadequate. It's hard to hit a wall where you vow to try to try harder, but find that you just can't bring yourself to the level that you're aspiring to. It's as humbling as it sounds.

But I rallied past it. However, as we passed through stilted preliminary conversation (including a lecture on cooking, which was probably (?) kindly meant), I was relieved to sit down to the table. Then everyone stared at me. Unsure what was going on, I glanced around until I finally thought "Well, maybe they're expecting me to lead the blessing?!?". Apparently. However, they just started without me. To make matters better, they use a blessing that our house doesn't use. So they all stared again as I sat there silently.

The questions started off normally enough (family, home, college, etc), but then turned to house business that hasn't been publicly announced yet. Housemom has asked me not to comment on certain things and I have been trying to honor this - especially in front of villagers. However, it's hard to be tactful when they're just not taking the hint. And completely inappropriate and uncomfortable. Definitely stress that I wasn't looking for.
I helped with doing the dishes and so was late for the neighborhood meeting.

Afterward we had another "support" group meeting, which was a lot less awkward than the last one. However, I still got to admit I was having a hard time (and was thus urged to share my "emotions"...urg) which is always fun in front of a large group. Though it drew some suggestions, which was helpful, it was just so hard to do on the limited sleep and caffeine jitter I was developing in a hardcore manner. Someone later commented that they could tell I was on the verge of tears - which of course made me feel even better.

Though I've never been a big "sharer" on feelings, I do have my outlets. I talk with my parents and friends (including some here and some not), and of course enjoy my rants here on occasion. Housemom is pretty open, but it's hard to say that I can just say "No" when her catchphrase is "Well, this is just something that has to be done" or "It's just the way it has to be". I don't feel it'd be constructive to argue in this point (because then I'm not being flexible, apparently...), so I usually just drop it with a sigh. Which, may be a bit passive-aggressive, but is pretty much my equivalent of saying "I don't like it, but will do it and not argue". Not to mention the "Maria is so sensitive to your moods...can pick up anything negative."

Well, it's not like I can control how I feel! If I get all falsely cheery, I'm not respecting her as an adult. However, if I ask in a normal tone, then I'm not being encouraging enough. There's only so much enthusiasm I can muster for a simple request to scrape the next plate, every single day.

Anyhow. Yup.

So.

The afternoon was a good place to re-balance and come home feeling a bit more centered. I made it through a shower night, dinner and a small pillow fight in the living room (well, pillow whomping...highly therapeutic and hilarious) and tried to nap from 7-9 while Maria was out for a therapy. Too hyped up on caffeine still. Someone was planning on stopping over to watch an episode or two of a series, but got caught up in other things, so I'm just going to bed now - which is probably a better idea, actually.

Tomorrow will be a better day. And hopefully a sunny one.

Hope all is well,
Steph

PS The Rooster was relocated to a farm that he "picked out himself" according to housemom. It was enigmatic as the 4 year old was there...so he might be soup...but we'll assume a nice Disney ending, right?

Hi all,

It was a wet and rainy day today. Rather gloomy, and prone to sudden and sporadic showers that were just light enough to make wearing a raincoat barely worth it. This morning I used the leftovers (frozen) from my mushroom and barley soup to make a mushroom risotto. When Sam came to take a peek, he exclaimed in dismay: "Why is it purple?!?"

Well, from the red wine, of course. Although I was then told that risottos is made only with white wine, this was impossible as we only had red on hand. Not to mention that I'd made the soup with red wine, so it was more practical to continue with it. It turned out ok, a little gummy after setting, but had pretty good flavor. I also had to raid the seed room for cabbage, as the co-op's supplier didn't get their shipment of lettuce, and so neither did we. So, risotto and coleslaw for lunch!

After lunch I trekked over to the woodshop to meet Flo to work on the planters. He'd also made a box planter, although after putting some screws in (which went every which way...not looking too pretty at this point...), it isn't lining up right anymore. The one with the angles is looking pretty good, and hopefully they'll both be "finished" by Wednesday. As long as they hold dirt...

Our orientation outing was canceled due to the rain. We were apparently supposed to be scraping paint off of a building. One co-worker raised the question (finally) of why we were doing all these jobs - what did they have to do with "orientation"? So after a half an hour of some manual labor - we seemed to be getting farmed out for this a lot lately - we sat down and had a discussion over what we thought it should be like. It lacks cohesion and a purpose, and hasn't really helped to "orientate" us to anything. So hopefully this will prompt some changes.

Since housemom changed the seating arrangement, I've noticed how little she noticed how much and even how Maria interacts at the table. At dinner I always did a "1 piece of bread and then more after soup" since housemom is always talking about meeting nutrition requirements. So it was almost funny to see her struggling to get Maria to finish her bowl of soup after she'd let her have 2-3 pieces of bread first. Not to mention she was talking about how we have to maintain her weight, and I don't quite think she believed me when I was telling her how often I have to remind Maria to just eat. Her child-like wonder can get her so revved up on questions that she just doesn't think about it.

I'm a little irked that tomorrow I'm going to have to stay home so housemom can take her youngest into the ER. He's been having a reoccurring problem for the last 2-3 weeks (not life-threatening, but painful) and she should've done it then. It's probably petty to resent being kept from going to something I actually really look forward to (since I'm really starting to get into the real work at the stain glass workshop) and she treats it as though it's not important. Yet she's always going on about the value of work, no matter how small it is. Housedad has an appointment tomorrow himself, so you'd think that would somehow be able to work out. Apparently not. It's just frustrating that I have to keep picking up the pieces. It's clear that her children are her first priority, but that does shift a lot to me. Housedad and Sam share a lot of the work for their care, while I was pretty much taking sole care with Maria. It's true housemom does a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff, but it's sometimes hard not to feel as though I'm taken for granted.

I know it's great that I get to be out of the house at all in the mornings, but it's just disheartening to finally have a chance to do something I feel I can be passionate about and then get it taken away - it doesn't inspire confidence that I'll be able to stick with it.

Hope all is well,
Steph